Where were you when you heard the news?
Angelina Jolie files for divorce from Brad Pitt! WTF! We can all agree that most of us didn’t see that one coming.
Do you remember your second thought? “If it can happen to them, who says it can’t happen to us?”
Ouch what a scary question. Let’s see if your marriage is at risk and go over a key formula to make sure that you and your spouse are keeping your relationship hot (in a suburban lifestyle kind of way).
What Does It Take To Stay Married?
In today’s chaotic world you need to be able to talk, be heard, listen, and do quick connects whenever possible.
You may only get a few minutes with your spouse in the evening so reaching over and caressing his butt as he fries the burger is an opportunity to be seized not missed. Accepting the fact that the texts through out the day professing your love for each other may be the closest thing you get to feeling intimate in that 24-hour period.
We are busy. Constantly running ourselves thin trying to get ahead and only to burying ourselves further. So when you can talk, get to the point and use the time wisely.
If you only get 15-minutes in the morning do you pick a fight about the wet towel on the floor in the bathroom or do you cuddle up by him at the breakfast bar and soak up his aftershave scent?
Do you send a curtesy text letting your wife know that you’ll be late to the baseball game? Is it necessary? Gosh no, but does it make your spouse feel thought of, remembered, and valued? You damn right it does.
All these things make a difference in your marriage and determines if your safe from a divorce filing or not.
So what does it take? Constant eyes on the ball ladies and gentlemen. Don’t get too wrapped up in Pinterest or swept away in fantasy balls. Use your time to connect when you can.
We Don’t Communicate Well. We Are So Defensive
Don’t worry there’s a simple formula to fix this.
Know your intent + Perfect timing + Soft start up = Message heard, problems solved, feeling understood.
The reason why people get defensive in conversation:
- They feel attacked.
- They don’t have anything left to give.
- They are overwhelmed and done with the nagging.
How to Bring Up Something To Your Spouse Without Sounding Like a Complete Asshole
Before you start the conversation ask yourself “What’s the purpose of this talk?” Why are you bringing this up? Do you want to solve something, feeling understood, help your partner? If it’s just because you had a bad day and misery loves company zip your lip, lace up your shoes, and go for a run instead.
Next, ask yourself “What are my softer emotions around the topic?”
You may feel fired up and pissed about the wet towel but why does it bother you so much? Do you feel disrespected, underappreciated? What is it?
Okay last thing, what can be your eject button sign? If you derail and the conversation goes haywire how can you abort the mission? Can you feel your heart beating and call a time out? Can you request a do-over? “Hey baby I’m saying this wrong, let’s start over.” Think of a way or how you can back out of a situation that will only get worse.
And you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Check Your Timing
Don’t broach a subject during the middle of Sunday football or right when your wife is jumping in the shower before work. Timing is essential, if they have already had a bad day at work don’t start with, “Um hey we need to talk.” We all know that is code for “Shit I F’d up.”
Have a Gentle Start Up
If you go in guns a blazing how effective do you think the conversation will go? NOT GOOD.
Remember what the softer feelings were and lead with those. Going back to the towel, “Hey baby, I know you’re in a hurry and I hate to be a nag but I just feel so unappreciated when you and/or the kids leave the wet towels on the floor in the bathroom, do you think you could be my hero and just do a quick ‘look see’ before you come down for breakfast?”
I know damn well that’s way different than your typical approach which would resemble “Hey Mr. Big Shot do you think you can not be a jerk today and clean up your shit? I’m not your maid!”
Obviously the first example will get your message across and get you the results you’re looking for.
2. Don’t Stop Trying
Remember back in the beginning when you first dated? You worked out, got your hair done, and would sneak into the bathroom to freshen up before he fluttered his little lashes in the morning sun. Now days he is lucky to catch a glimpse of your fine you know what as you march into your closet after a long day to slip into your 7th grade track sweats.
We bury ourselves in bags, pony up our locks, and bare all natural all the damn time. That’s not sexy, nor does it give your man the impression that you want to try for him anymore.
It goes both ways. Ever see Married With Children and Al Bundy with his hands down his pants? Not so hot! And the beer belly you need to work around to try and do some nice wifey duties, sucks.
The biggest tip I share with couples that are in marriage counseling is to never stop dating. If you never stop dating you will never fall out of love nor will you risk losing your love to someone that will try for them.
Why Don’t We Flirt?
WTF is wrong with us and not flirting? Just do yourself a favor, think back to the last time you got flirted with, oh dear lord if felt incredible! Flirting releases the best feel good hormones in our bodies and makes us feel alive! And yet we don’t do it with our spouse… What’s wrong with this picture?
We pop out some kids, run like we are always on deadlines, we are tired… Blah blah blah. Not good enough. We need to flirt, couples that can still make each other hot and bothered after 10, 20, 30 years is what I strive to be, I know that!
It Would Be So Awkward to Flirt With My Husband Now
Yea, and? If you don’t start somewhere it will only get more awkward. Flirting is the leading instigator for infidelity. A little listening at the water cooler and then a sly “Frank, I like your tie today, it makes you look so confident.” and all of a sudden your husband’s parts are places they are not suppose to be!
So you be the girl that says those things so that if any (you know what) wants to swoop in, your man will be like “Oh thanks, my wife said the same thing. Have a good day”. And be totally un-phased.
Be the man that slaps his wife’s ass and says “Damn you look so good.” So if that ever happens…ahhh just kidding that would be a rare occurrence but you get my point. Spice it up in the domestic arena or someone else will be there waiting to add a little habanero themselves.
Get Dirty
Do you think you’re in your spouse’s fantasies? If not ask yourself “What do I have to do to get into that mind of his or be what she thinks about when she takes her long baths?”
I remember a long time ago after my husband and I had some sexy time the week before, he made a comment like “Can’t wait to replay that night, later tonight,” and I was like “Oh I am way to tired to get kinky, I’ll lay there tho!”
And that’s when I got incredible insight into a man’s mind. He said “Yea but when we do cool stuff like that (and it wasn’t anything twisted) I fantasize about you and not anyone else.” BINGO. So you know how my night went…
Women love passion. Why do you think the romance novels raked in $1.08 billon dollars in 2013!? That’s a ton of soft smut. So guys if you want her to try or be your dream girl, sweep her off her feet, press her up against the wall, slow down the pace and look into her eyes, and tell her that there’s no one else like her in the world.
3. Play
Last but not least playful couples go the long haul. Who here wants to hang out with a stick in the mud or someone that takes themselves way too seriously? NOT ME. Before my husband, I used to date all sorts of looking dudes that were not considered attractive (at all). But to me they were everything I wanted. They made me laugh, they spun me around the dance floor (when they couldn’t hold a beat to save their lives), and that was all I needed.
Then I met my husband that had everything all wrapped up in a nice (big) bodybuilder package and I literally raced him to Vegas six weeks later! PS Next Friday we celebrate our 10 year anniversary!! And to show you that I practice what I preach: This past weekend we went out to our town festivities and dirty danced like we were in college! See we don’t take ourselves too serious and it works for us.
Take Home Message
The surprising upset of the Brangelina era has rattled a lot of couples. Trust me you’re not the only one thinking “Well shit, where does that leave my marriage?” But the cool thing about your marriage is that you have the formula now to go back and rock it. Create the love story you read about. Dance in the kitchen when the kids finally go unconscious, and go green by conserving water and shower together.
Again here’s the formula to have a successful marriage:
Communication + Get Dirty + Have Fun = A love story for the books!
Why am I so sure about this formula? Well my grandparents (married 78 years) still flirt like teens, and my parents (married 29 years until my dad lost his battle with cancer) followed this formula as well as, my husband and I.
Outside of blood anyone that comes in for marriage counseling implements a variation of this formula and graduates treatment full of confidence and head over heels in love.
Connect with Jessica on Twitter where she tweets the best relationship advice. She has authored multiple books one being Back 2 Love–Save your marriage and fall back in love, again
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