Psst Parents, This Is What Your Teen Really Needs (Like NOW)

In the most craziest time yet, in their young lives, teens need their parents, but they fear two things.

I think you’ll agree when I say:

Teen years sucked!

And now you’re the parent and your teen needs your hand to help guide them through the blind chaos. But you feel like you can’t do anything right, in their eyes.

In today’s blog post I’ll walk you through a step by step guide on how to successfully respond when your teen ACTUALLY talks to you.

Lead studies show that teens feel like parents don’t understand and ultimately are overly concerned about disappointing their parents.

And quite honestly parents don’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager in today’s world.

We know what it was like to go through the awkward stage of puberty and how crazy we felt when the mood swings hit, but we don’t know the pressures that society and media messages put on youth today.

We don’t know what it’s like to never get a break from bullying when the ones that perpetrate can follow your teen home and attack in the cyber world.

So with all due respect, we don’t really understand and teens know it. But we don’t need to fully understand in order to make teens feel understood.

Check this out:

The Step-By-Step Guide for Parents and How To Respond To Teens:

1. Listen to your teenager. When your teen comes up and wants to talk. Stop what you’re doing. If you’re prepping dinner, pull the pan off the hot burner and sit down. If you’re on your work computer, shut it down. If you’re scrolling Facebook, log out. Show your teen that you care by giving them your full and undivided attention.

2. Parents be conscientious of your facial expressions. Don’t look horrified, don’t start crying–so much that your teen feels like they have to comfort you, and don’t get mad.

3. Listen. Parents really want to solve problems and take bumps out of the road. But that’s typically not what your teen wants. Your teen just wants to invite you into their world in hopes that they feel understood.

Whatever you do in the listening phase don’t minimize their pain. That is crushing and a sure way to get them to lock back up in their rooms and not talk.

For example, don’t say “It’s just young love, it’ll be okay.” Or “This will blow over, it’s really not that big of deal.” If you were searching for some understanding from a friend and this is what you got, would you ever go back to that friend for comfort?

4. Validate your teens feelings. When they are talking, don’t look for solutions or try and capitalize on a teachable moment (please DON’T do that). Simply listen for the feelings and emotions.

When it’s safe to talk and you’ll no this when they look up and search your eyes for reassurance that they are not crazy, don’t say “I know how it feels,” or “I understand”. That will just shut them down and you can forget future chat sessions. Instead reflect their feelings back to them.

For example, if your son tried to get his grades up and he already knows that you’re upset that he procrastinated until the end of the year.

But he really tried and he’s explaining how the teacher wouldn’t let him retake a test, and only gave him half credit on a worksheet that he at first said he would get full credit and on and on…

Say, “Man that sounds so frustrating. I mean it sounds like you tried your best and no matter what you did you couldn’t get him to listen. That sucks, I’m sorry that happened to day.

5. Wait for their reaction and reassure. The first few times you validate their feelings you’ll be amazed by how shocked they are. Some teens might admit that they feared that you would be disappointed with them. You will see their defenses crash down when they exhale a sigh of relief once they feel understood.

Reassure them that you can not like their choices but that you will always (no matter what) love them.

And that’s it. Don’t follow up with “But…” leave it at that. Chances are for the example above your son would say, “I know that I shouldn’t have procrastinated and next year I’ll be better mom, I promise.” And you’ll be reassured without having to monopolize the conversation with a lecture about responsibility.

It’s That Easy

From an expert that sits with teens almost daily, I promise you that this is what they are searching for. They just want to be able to talk with you and feel like you understand them.

The follow up to validating their feelings is to reassure them that no matter what, you’re proud of them and are not disappointed. Make it clear that you can not like their choices but that you’ll always love them no matter what. This will give them confidence to keep you in the loop.

For more parenting tips on how to help your teenager check out our popular counseling blog. Jessica is the CEO of South Metro Counseling in Minnesota and has authored several books. Connect with her directly at: Jessica@southmetrocounseling.com.