Nearly half of Americans live check to check and have no time to nurture relationships.
Are we living the American dream?
According to a new poll, 43% of Americans live check to check and wouldn’t be able pay their bills if they missed even one month of work. It’s no wonder why it’s such a struggle to save your marriage; you have no time and no energy left to give.
In today’s blog, I will show you how you got into this mess, and give you some actionable steps to get out of it. First, let’s take a look at why marriages are crumbling.
In its latest study, the American Psychological Association reports that 75% of Americans have financial stress. A survey conducted by Citibank states that 57% of divorced couples cited money problems as their main reason for dissolving the marriage.
It happens so fast… in a matter of months, your American Dream quickly turns into a never-ending nightmare:
- Go to school (debt)
- Supplement your income to get some ramen with credit cards (debt)
- Get hitched (debt)
- Buy a McMansion (debt)
- Pop out some kids and sign them up for every activity under the sun (debt)
- Pick up a couple of shiny new cars and send a message to the world that you made it (debt)
- And all the in-between BS (debt, debt, and more debt)
It’s no wonder why you’re strapped to your job and worried that the next rising star will stroll in and snag your position. You’re drowning in a high-overhead lifestyle, pretending to bask in the dream, only to realize that you’re slowly sinking and your marriage is going down with you.
What the American Dream Used to Stand for Is Long Gone
The dream used to have a reward. You found a good job and, in return, you received job security, time to be with your family in the evenings and on weekends, and a little cushion of money to have some fun.
Now, employees are a dime a dozen and companies have no loyalty. You know that you can be replaced by the next Joe or Mary that comes in with a lower salary request.
You Work Your Fingers to the Bone, Get Home, and… Wait for It… There’s More Work!
You don’t even get to have a safe haven to call home. When you return to your den after a long day’s work, you would think that you could sit down, grab a cold one, play with the kids, and whatever else you want to do for a few hours before the sun goes down. But that’s not our reality anymore: it’s just more grinding.
You have to shuttle the kids to practice; coach them through mountains of busy work assignments; clean up the dog’s mess; feed all the hungry mouths; and do the laundry and outside work. Then, before your know it, it’s time for bed.
Where’s the family game night, or cuddling by the fire while you reminisce about the day with your spouse? Did you even have time to acknowledge your marriage in the midst of the evening mayhem?
So… work hard, be with our family, and enjoy a good life? What we’re really doing is grinding, doping up on caffeine, coming down with wine and sleep aids, and then hitting “repeat” on it all the next day.
This isn’t living and it certainly isn’t a damn dream!
This Grind, Rinse, and Repeat Cycle Will Hijack Your Marriage
Well, how could it not? There are only so many hours in a day; if you’re constantly working, and none of that effort is directed at your one and only, you’re heading down a dangerous road.
So then what’s it all for? If this is our one shot, why not try something different?
When you get home at night, do you look at your family and think: Gosh, what I would give to have more of you? Or maybe you glance at your spouse and think: If only I had more energy at night, we could reconnect like we used to?
If your answer to the above is “yes,” then it’s time to take actionable steps and take back your life.
You’ll Never Feel Like Changing; You Have to Bend Your Head Forward and the Rest Will Follow
You’ll never feel like it’s the right time to change. There will never be a time when you feel financially secure enough to gamble with a career change, or any other shifts in your life. You have to bear down and get through it when you don’t feel like it.
If You Know That You Can Change and Things Can Be Different, Then Why Don’t You?
Change is hard! (Even harder than living through the hell that you’re in right now.)
You might think that change doesn’t make any sense, because even though you’re miserable, this misery is predictable and so you know what to expect from it. You know what this hell looks, feels, and smells like.
But, if you were to bring change into your life, like (for example) going out and starting a career in a totally different field, it would take mountains of time and energy… and all for what? For the hope that life might be better?
That Sounds Like a Huge Risk
So that’s why you’ve stayed where you are rather than rolling up your sleeves and getting to work (elsewhere). You haven’t changed yet because you don’t know what it’ll be like or if it’ll be different at all. Perhaps you’re even afraid that it might be worse.
What Could the Other Side of the Mountain Look Like?
Let’s fantasize a bit… imagine if you went out on a limb and started your own business—doing something that made you feel alive and energized. After you grind for a year or two, you have your own thing: a successful business that’s for you, that’s built by your own hands, and that’s built for your benefit.
Even better is the fact that you can now sneak off and have lunch with your spouse, volunteer in your daughter’s classroom, and have energy to go out with your friends. You can even take mid-week trips! You have the controller to your own destiny, and damn it feels good.
Do you think that this can only be a dream? Or do you think, deep down, that you were meant for something greater than a mediocre life?
Just take a look at Gary Vaynerchuk and Neil Patel. They grind, make things happen, and play. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Let me ask you this: if you have no choice but to climb a mountain, wouldn’t you want to choose your scenery?
When you choose your mountain, you also choose to save your marriage. “How?” you might ask.
Well, you’ll have more time to spend with your spouse, you’ll look at life differently when you’re doing something you’re passionate about, and you can’t be grumpy when you’re in charge of creating your own destiny!
How to Make an Actionable Plan
- Create a plan.
- Break it down into actionable steps.
- Start.
Let’s say that you want to change careers: right now you’re a bank manager, but what you really want to do is run an animal shelter. Instead of scrolling through Facebook at night, start researching the rules and regulations about starting an animal shelter. Once you have a good idea in place, follow Tim Ferris’s three-step plan to starting a dream, and make a to-do list that includes an action step for today, tomorrow, and the day after.
This plan may include actions like you calling a local shelter and asking to shadow, looking at local spaces, and picking up the legal applications at the city office. Such actions may seem minimal but, once you start, you’re much less likely to stop.
The Take-Home Message
The American Dream has evolved over the past few decades, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t pave your own path and create something even better. Yes, the debt is still going to be there, but if you stay the course and keep grinding for someone else’s dream—and not give anything to your marriage—you’ll eventually ask yourself, “Was it worth it?”
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and the CEO of South Metro Counseling in Minnesota. If you would like to learn about more ways to save your marriage, check out her relationship blog, where she gives free marriage advice weekly.