The #1 down fall in marriages is lack of communication skills.
But is your relationship success dependent on how well you communicate or could it be more? According to the University of Georgia effective communication is not as crucial as once predicted.
Almost every couple that comes in to my office searches for communication skills. And yet, when I sit with the same couples I see that they communicate just fine. For example, if you think that your partner is a lazy, inconsiderate waste of space, I bet he hears you loud and clear.
Couples are NOT bad communicators. They are terrible listeners.
One fundamental basic need for every human is to feel understood. And so the majority of arguments, within a relationship, is an attempt by one or both partners to achieve just that. But let’s face it, society’s fast pace and our shortage of time doesn’t help communication matters.
Since we struggle to find time to even shower some days. We are too quick to try and defend or get equal amounts of air time when our partner tries to tell us that something’s wrong.
So while you share your feelings, a.k.a frustrations, your partner simultaneously formulates a reactive (defensive) counter argument and is not actually listening. WHY!? Because we are desperate not to add any more to our to do lists AND we don’t have the patience we once did to hear our partner out.
The fact of the matter is that we still have this basic need, time or no time, stressed or not stressed, so how can we figure this out?
The main part is to learn where the message gets disrupted and how to decipher the goodies (feelings) from the fillers (details).
The Communication Breakdown
There are two spots in a conversation where the message is disrupted and not received:
- The tone of the speakers voice or how the speaker shares the message. And
- The listener hearing the right part of the message, the goodies (the softer feelings).
The start up for every conversation is crucial. If you come in guns a blazing because it’s been the 200th time telling your partner how you feel, how well do you think he or she will hear what you have to say? Truth be told, they already shut off their ears before you even uttered your first syllable.
You’ll get much further if you have a softer start up. Which basically means that you get to the root of why you’re upset and lead with your underbelly exposed. Yep I said it right, in order to send a hearable message you have to show vulnerability, and softness.
If you’re soft you take away any reason for your partner to armor up and get defensive.
If you get pissed and insulted when your partner has Amazon packages showing up on the daily or Target charges that you don’t understand ask yourself “Why does this bother me so much?”
Maybe it is because your money is going out faster than you can make it. And it makes you so frustrated that you can’t get ahead. Or maybe having a large amount in your bank account provides security, which is a HUGE basic need for you. Maybe you saw this same dynamic play out in your parents marriage that ended in divorce and it scares you.
Once you drill down and know why you’re upset lead the conversation with the soft points, “It hurts me when I see our checking account stay the same because I fear that it won’t ever change.” Or “I used to be in the shop with my dad every time he would open bills and I could feel the disappointment, I don’t want this for us.”
Every annoyance or deep frustration has a root of a softer emotion. You feel hurt or some other form of pain and then what’s expressed can either be that same softer emotion or transform into a heated hard expression, like rage.
So the tone is crucial.
Part II: Become a Detective for Goodies (Softer Feelings)
The second part is for the listener. When your partner is trying to communicate, listen for the feelings in the message. Don’t pay too much attention to the details about the annoyance, that’s neither here nor there (in the beginning). If you find yourself paying attention to what the annoyance is, more than listening for the feelings, you’ll be more likely to react with a defensive argument instead of respond with a validating remark.
Signs You’re Getting Defensive
- Your chest starts to get tight.
- Your breathing increases.
- You want to jump in and correct your partner.
Once you train your brain to listen for the goodies you’ll be a feeling validator and understand where your partner is coming from in no time.
Basic human need met!! You’re a hero!
If your husband comes in and says “It really pisses me off when all the bikes are laid in the front yard, the toys are all over the foyer, and there’s never anything to eat when I get home. It’s like no one has respect for anything.”
And what he is really saying is “I don’t feel my hard work is appreciated.” So your response could be “I’m sorry babe. I know that it really bothers you when the kids don’t pick up their things and I’m working on that. I also want you to know how much we appreciate how hard you work.”
In that moment the listener discovers the heart of the problem and the validates the softer feelings. The blow up is diffused and a tit tat war is avoided.
Communication Happens in Different Forms
Another thing to always keep in mind is that we communicate so much more than with the words that come out of our mouths. We do so by our tone of voice, body language, the things we do to make our partner’s life easier, and don’t forget physical touch.
If you go out of your way to buy a certain type of bread because your wife loves it, or if you make sure to start your partner’s car every day in the winter because they are a freeze baby, that’s communicating, “I care about and love you.”
Do yourself a favor and try to look for the communication that is not spoken verbally. You’ll be surprised how a touch here or a sweet gesture there says way more than three little words.
Take Home Message
Communication is not only about what you say, it’s how you say it so that your partner can stay engaged long enough to hear what you’re feeling. This takes practice, but hey if you slip up you can always say “I’m trying baby” and hit restart.
For those that don’t have the habit of drilling down to their softer feelings, check out this feelings wheel for support.
Good luck and trust me, it’s totally worth the work. My husband and I used to fight like crazy and never resolve anything. Once we learned how to search for the softer feelings, validate each other’s experiences, we became each other’s best allies. There was one point that I thought we could totally become professional fighters! So to go from that to where we are now, it’s 100 percent doable for anyone out there.
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love. She owns a private practice in Minnesota with her husband, two kids, and two pups. Stay up to date on the latest science behind relationships by following her on twitter and subscribing to her YouTube Channel.