Why does it seem impossible to change?
It’s hard to break a habit because when you do something over and over you create deep groves in your brain. The groove facilitates communication between neurons. And the longer a habit exists the more automated the communication becomes.
Let me explain it another way. Think back to when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was slide fast down the hill. So you kept running down the same track until it was packed down enough to send you speeding. Once the path was created the sled almost went on it’s own. There was no need for you to manually push yourself along or even correct the steering. You just flew.
Another reason why it’s so hard to change a habit and create a new one is because as humans we prefer automation. Which means we don’t like to think about the stuff we are doing we just like to do it. And we also (like it or not) take the easiest route possible in order to conserve our resources and energy. As you well know creating a new habit takes an exorbitant amount of energy.
That’s So Non-Motivating
I know. AND research shows that if you understand the why behind your behavior (including failures) you’re more likely to stay the course and try again. Because you can explain to yourself, why you failed without taking the lack of success personal. With less shame and negative feelings on your shoulders, you feel light enough to keep packing down your new sledding hill a.k.a groove.
So Knowledge Unlocks Success?
Exactly. Knowing the ‘why’ changes the way that you talk to yourself, and that matters a lot! Therefore before any change can be attempted you have to brush up on your self-compassion skills.
“How to Talk to Yourself Like You Would Talk to Someone You Love” -Brene Brown
Did you know that when scientists studied the happiest man alive Matthieu Ricard, they discovered one simple habit that he practices daily. He meditates. But more specifically, he practices the Loving-Kindness meditation.
As the name describes this meditation is about loving and being kind to yourself, others, and all beings.
The two main benefits from this practice are a decrease in negative self-talk and an increase in empathy for all living creatures, including yourself.
How can I start this new habit when you just said new habits are hard to create?
You don’t really have a choice. Since self-talk plays such a HUGE role in your success, you’ll have a much better shot at succeeding at any new behavioral pattern that you’re trying create, if you learn how to treat yourself with more grace.
AND this change is a lot easier to implement than getting up at 5 am to go workout at the gym, right? Here’s what will help lay a solid foundation to hack the change needed to help you succeed at your goals.
How To Clean Up The Conversation In Your Head So That You Can Have A Fair Shot At Being Successful With Your Goals
1. Download an app like, Insight Timer
2. Look up Loving-Kindness Meditation
3. Choose the shortest one offered (6 minutes or less)
4. Practice as often as you can
5. Reap the benefits
Alternatively you can start even smaller and create a memo on your phone and set alarms to remind you to recite:
May I be well, may I be happy, may I be free from suffering.
Think of someone close to you (family member or friend).
May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.
Think of someone that you do not know personally but that you see on a regular bases, such as the barista.
May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.
Think of someone that you have a conflict with (start small at first).
May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering.
Now think of you, your friend/family member, acquaintance, person of conflict all standing together in one circle and say:
May we be well, may we be happy, may we be free from suffering.
That’s it! Super easy and you’ll be more ready to attempt forced change, again and again after you develop your self-compassion skills. And as a side effect you’ll be happier.
Don’t Forget
Change is extremely hard for everyone and the one thing that can help us get back on track and keep packing down the new groove is positive self-talk.
Also check out, Think Your New Year’s Resolution Was DOA? Maybe You Should Listen to This Hypnotic Healer
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and How to Start a Mental Health Private Practice. She owns a practice in New Prague, Minnesota where she lives with her husband, two kids, and two dogs.