Disrespect in a relationship is a lot like cancer in the body, it utterly destroys the good parts holding it together.
John Gottman considers a lack of respect, a behavior choice that will eventually end a relationship. And the fact that he has a 94 percent accuracy rate on predicting divorce, I think we better listen up.
So the question really comes down to this: If we know respect is crucial for the survival of our relationships, why do we allow ourselves to fight dirty in the first place?
Here’s where I get a little nerdy in order to explain how our brain works. When you get hurt your primitive brain gets activated. This part of your brain has strictly two responses, fight or flight.
If fleeing is off the table and you choose to engage, there’s no dial to keep the blows towards your partner soft. You simply attack as if he/she was a saber toothe tiger. It’s like when you pull a trigger on a gun, it’s an all or nothing reaction.
Once your primitive brain takes over your rational mind shuts off and you believe that you’re fighting for your life. After the smoke settles and you’re able to calm down that’s when your more evolved brain comes back to life and you’re able to see the damage that was done.
The Aftermath Cleanup
After the primitive brain returns to it’s dormant state, you have the opportunity to care for the wounds. If the mess is untouched those wounds will manifest and begin to take over other parts of your relationship, just like untreated cancer.
In some relationships the primitive brain is triggered A LOT. In those situations I do recommend that you reach out and get some good couples counseling in order to learn how to communicate without taking the low blows.
In other cases there are repair errors. Much like when a tumor is removed and the oncologist fails to follow up with a round of chemotherapy to take care of any cancerous cells that remain. The sickness in the relationship lingers and eventually bigger problems manifest.
Here is where most couples reside. Painful stuff has been said, hurtful actions have been made, AND proper healing never took place leaving the relationship vulnerable for more injuries.
How Does This Look In A Relationship?
Typically couples will experience a disconnect. They report not feeling as close. That’s because there’s now a question running through their minds “Can I truly trust this person?” And when you don’t feel like your partner fully has your back, you pull away in order to self-protect.
The end result of pulling back leads to a sharp decline of intimacy and vulnerability. And those two ingredients are what make relationships worthwhile. So when they are gone or limited it gets really hard to be excited about your partner.
3 Options To Go Back And Repair The Damage (Error-Free):
1. Standing the test of time. Consistently showing your partner, “I have your back”. Over time the trust will return and your relationship can get back to being a safe place to be intimate and vulnerable.
2. Talk about it. Have a gentle conversation about the wounds that remain. Talk about how it makes you feel and when your partner describes his/hers be patient and don’t take offense. Give each other opportunities to validate the other’s pain and apologize for any harm caused.
3. Stop, sit, and see each other. If talking about it is not an option, choose to sit down and look into each other’s eyes. I promise you, when you take the time to look deep into your partner’s eyes, there’s no way you can be unkind to him/her and visa versa. Our eyes are the window to our soul and the act of sitting and truly seeing your partner (in this insanely fast paced world) is the most powerful experience. Extended eye contact releases oxytocin, which is our bonding hormone.
Now the choice is yours, remove the toxins in your relationship now and don’t take the chance on letting them mutate into something bigger and more serious.
You’ll Get Dirty Again
Now that I have you all pumped up and ready to heal your wounds. Let me be completely real with you. You WILL mess up again and fight dirty. Your primitive brain WILL get triggered again and nasty things WILL be said and done. The art in sustaining a long healthy relationship is having the tools to properly heal any pain that has been caused and knowing the why behind the behavior. You now understand why we can recoil with a vengeance when we get hurt and how to repair it when it occurs.
Please share this article with your partner, family and friends, so that no one feels like its’ just them and so that they too have the tools to repair without error.
Peace.
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and How to Start a Mental Health Private Practice. She owns a private practice in New Prague, Minnesota where she lives with her husband, two kids, and two dogs.