Don’t let how you look lead your life, follow your heart.
I think we can all agree that in today’s society,looks play a huge role in how we are perceived. As a woman, I know there is a lot of pressure for me to fight the signs of aging and stay wrinkle free, not to mention staying as skinny as possible, all while juggling my work, home life and the kids.
Men don’t get off lightly either. Their struggle is just as hard having to be in control and expected to play the hunter role at all times. Their self worth is deminished if they feel they can not provide for their family. In their minds they are expected to be powerful, strong, sexy… and all with a full head of hair.
I want to talk about how it is easy for our self-worth to get wrapped up in our belt notch. When I’m treating couples nine times out of 10, issues around the wife gaining weight are brought up all too frequently.
You can about imagine how well that is received in session but as a counselor it is my job to sort out the content in the message and help delivery it with grace.
Today, you are going to learn how to pull apart self-worth from the number on the scale. For example, lets say that a husband admits to not being sexually attracted to his wife anymore due to the significant amount of weight she has put on over the years. The wife typically responds in two ways: devastated or defensive. Either way it is extremely painful for the wife and this is why. We have accepted this standard put on us by society that we are only good enough if we are model skinny and gorgeous. We know that is impossible yet we feel that pressure and get a general sense of disregard if we do not abide by this expectation.
The wife understands that she falls short of that societal standard and experiences a sense of shame because of it. At the same time somewhere deep inside of her, whether it be her subconscious, the message Oprah gave her, or her authentic part, calls out, “This is not right, you are much more than how you look on the surface!”
So there is this constant inner struggle going on in women that we are not good enough and can’t ever measure up, even though we are expected to, and then our true selves shout out from the depths of our being saying, “Stop, you’re enough just the way you are.”
The later is the part we tend to gravitate towards, even though pressure from society is difficult, we can find ways to drown out that noise. The real shin kicker is when we have this going on daily in our heads and then our partners, the men we trust to protect us sides with society. We feel betrayed, judged, and unsafe. Therefore we lash out, we retaliate and maybe gain more weight just to prove them wrong.
Now, lets imagine this exact same conversation happened in the therapy room. What I would do is kindly observe the wife’s response. I would be curious about how her body tenses up, how much pain seeps out in her tears, and how she attempts to cover her body as she is feels exposed and betrayed by her husband. Betrayed because he was never suppose to side with society, he knows how hard she works, what she does for their children, how she always shows up for everyone in the family, except herself. I do allow her to sit with all those thoughts and emotions for a moment. I watch the husband squirm as he wishes he could take back his words, but it is too late and he knows he has crushed her.
Now I take action. I ask the wife what she heard him say? She will explain basically what I stated in the previous paragraph, and then I will ask the husband if that is what he meant, that she is not worthy, that all the things she does to keep the family going doesn’t matter, that she is only good if she is nice to look at? He will no doubt disagree with her perception and try and tell her so. I will then direct the couple into a conversation that pulls apart physical attraction and self-worth.
The husband was talking about the need to feel physically attracted to his wife and the wife heard she is not worthy unless she loses weight.
See why this is such a tricky topic to navigate? No matter how hard it is, there are times when a conversation like this has to be had. If you partner has ever hurt you in the past by making a comment about your weight, try and revisit that conversation again but only with the awareness that what he was trying to say was that he has a body type that turns him on and that does not take away your worth and value as a human being.
Lastly, another huge part of this conversation that was not addressed is the fact that most men that get married and have wives that put themselves last on their ‘to-do’ list, feel like they were tricked. They see this as, “I am not worth you taking care of yourself anymore.” They perceive it as, “Once she got me she stopped trying.” The wife sees it as, “I have no time to worry about myself, I need to keep everyone else’s lives perfect and that leaves no time for myself.”
As you can see women are not the only ones that have hurt feelings in this, both parties are affected. The best thing to do is have a conversation about it and being curious about each other’s perceptions rather than making assumptions.
Today lets do it differently and not let our self-worth be measured by the number on the scale. Know your self-worth as a human being and know the value of taking care of yourself. That includes, physically, mentally, and emotionally.