The #1 Marriage Book that Saved My Marriage
A Relationship Guide that WILL Improve Your Marriage Tonight!
Society’s fast pace pushes your relationship to the back burner (way too often). Wouldn’t it be nice to have a “How to love your spouse” cheat sheet?
Look no further. New York Times best-selling author Gary Chapman wrote a marriage book to help couples dramatically improve their marriages even in the daily grind.
In today’s article you’ll learn how you and your spouse feels most loved and how to get more bang for your love buck. Before we talk about the “how to” let’s look at why this knowledge is crucial if you want a happy marriage.
Many of you have heard of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378392097&sr=8-1&keywords=5+love+languages). For those who have not, this is the very first book I have each of my couples read at the beginning of couple’s counseling. In this post I plan to highlight what the love languages are and how they have changed my marriage.
The author has discovered five primary love languages in working with couples over the years. The five include: Gifts, Words of Affirmations, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Acts of Service. In the book each language is described as being much like a speaking language such as English, Chinese, or Spanish. The point being if you do not understand the language your partner is speaking and vise versa you are not going to communicate your love properly.
The other main point is that we speak the love language we want to receive. So if by the time you are finished reading this article you are unclear of what your partner’s language is simply pay attention to how he or she loves you. Does your partner always buy you gifts? Then his primary love language may be gifts. If you want to test it out start buying him gifts and see how he responds to you.
What are the Five Love Languages?
Gifts
When someone is said to speak the love language of gifts it is believed that he feels loved when his partner takes the time to think about him and get him little or big gifts. This is not a materialistic language it is more sentimental. Its main message is that you are thinking of your partner when he is not around and that makes him feel loved.
Words of Affirmations
Words of affirmation are sentiments that can compliment or encourage the partner. For example if your partner’s love language is words of affirmations he feels most love when you tell him that he did an amazing job on staining the deck, that his sweater really brought out his rich brown eyes, and of course when you say the words, “I love you.”
Physical Touch
The love language of physical touch includes sexual and non-sexual contact. It can be as innocent as cuddling to an old episode of Will and Grace or a good old-fashioned romp in the hay. When this is the primary love language the person is going to feel most loved when she has physical contact with her partner.
Quality Time
Quality time is described as meaningful time spent with your partner. For example, going to a movie that you both enjoy and holding hands or a walk on the river talking about life dreams. In order for this time to fill the love tank, it more than likely has to be interruption and distraction free. Meaning the cell phones have to be put on silent and Facebook update alerts must be ignored.
Acts of Service
The final love language is described as performing nice tasks that make your partner’s life easier or better. This could include always wiping off the table crumbs because he appreciates crumb free tabletops. Taking the dogs out before he wakes so that his morning is one duty lighter. If this is the primary love language you feel loved when your partner thinks to pick up the kids for you after you describe your long day. You feel loved by the act, the act of doing something nice without having to be asked. When this is the love language the individual does not feel loved if he has to ask for the service (that is a pivotal point).
How The Five Love Languages Changed My Marriage
My husband and I met and married all within a 6-week period. We ended up running off to Vegas and the rest is history. Our first three years were okay. We got along but when it came to actually feeling loved by each other we just assumed we didn’t get what the other needed or perhaps we married too quickly. One day my mother brought me a book called The Five Love Languages, she instructed me to read it and wipe off the counters every night. I gave her an odd look and agreed.
I started the book the very next morning and completed it that evening. I could not put it down. Everything made sense and I came to the realization that it wasn’t that my husband and I weren’t meant to be together or that we just didn’t get it, it was that we weren’t speaking each other’s love languages. My primary love language is Words of Affirmations and my secondary is Physical Touch. My husband’s love language is Acts of Service, period, hence my mother telling me to wipe the counters. Once we both read the book and started loving each other right our lives changed!
Here is a perfect example to demonstrate how impactful this knowledge has been on our relationship. I remember after we got the kids to bed I used to instantly run to the couch and wait for my husband to come and adore me. I was ready for him to touch me and tell me how amazing I was. At the same time he would start cleaning. I mean dishes, laundry, and laying the kids’ clothes out for the next day. Instead of appreciating all that he was doing I would storm off to bed in ‘a mood.’ The next day he would ask what he did wrong and I would just ignore it, and the cycle continued.
Now that I understand that we were simply speaking the language we knew (the love we wanted to receive) I have changed the way that I show him love. Instead of showering him with compliments and ‘that a boys’ I start his car every winter morning. I make sure the fridge is fully stocked with his favorite foods. He in turn touches me more and sends me sweet texts throughout the day to make sure I know he loves me and is thinking of me. Our marriage has completely changed since we learned how to love each other right.
I highly recommend each person read this book. Whether you are single, dating, or married it is great information for you to have for the present, explains much from the past, and enhances the future. Start today by paying attention to what makes you feel loved the most. Is it a phone call mid morning to say ‘Hi’ or is it the ‘just because’ bouquet of flowers waiting on the kitchen table for you at home? Also pay attention to your partner and how he expresses love to you. Does he always put your coffee on first thing in the morning or does he always find little ways to make physical contact with you? Most important have fun discovering how to love each other right, it only gets better with fluency!