Why Is Counseling SO Damn Expensive!? Marriage Counseling Costs Explained

Marriage Counseling Costs Causes Major Sticker Shock. Here’s Why It’s So Expensive to get Relationship Advice.

Are you out of your mind!?

That’s probably what you thought when you first heard how much marriage counseling costs.

The second thought was probably how much this sucks. Here you two are struggling to save your marriage and this expert wants to charge enough to have you blowing a few grand in short order.

Besides Donating to The Expert’s Petty Cash Fund Where Does all This Money Go?

The Experience. The environment where marriage counseling takes place matters, and below I’ll explain why.
Professional Training to Become an “Expert” is Expensive.
Time in and Out of the Session. You’re not only paying for the expert’s in session time, but also mental space to store the necessary pieces to your relationship puzzle in between meetings (more explained in a bit).
Faster Results. (I’ll clarify this in a second).

Before we get right to the reasons as to why you’re debating the donation of a kidney to pay for counseling, lets go over who marriage counseling is good for.

The Third Question That You Had Was Probably: “Who’s a Good Candidate for Marriage Counseling?”

Anyone that’s open and ready for change. You can have big and small relationship problems to work on. Some couples just need to tweak their communication skills, while others bare the burden of healing after an affair.

Are there couples that marriage counseling is not good for? Absolutely.

Couples that fight dirty.

If you know that your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you during fights (no matter how hard you have tried to get him or her to stop over the years)-good gosh don’t go into counseling.

The counseling room is automatically not a safe place for you. And if you don’t feel safe to open up…It’s not going to work.

Couples that are too tired to fight.

Typically what happens is one partner puts up their hands and is like I’m done-but this time they mean it. And if you are the one that was on the other side to this surrender you know in your heart that this time it was different.

When partners stop engaging all together and turn into a “whatever you want,” “doesn’t matter, I don’t really care,” kind of person they are truly checked out.

If you’re unsure if your parter is truly done, you can go to a qualified counselor and know within the first two sessions. By that time the expert will be able to catch any sparkle of hope.

It doesn’t have to be big-a change in tone, a shift in the way the partner sits, a softening around the eyes and mouth, etc. And if after the 2nd session (maybe 3rd if its a super hard case) the expert doesn’t see any flicker-you will be told just that.

On the flip side if your expert doesn’t share the flicker or give you renewed hope within that time period–I would probably check out myself. Either they are not as good as they claim, or they are keeping you there for their own agenda.

Some Quick Tips Moving Forward:

Quick tip #1: Don’t worry of you’re a (non-dirty) fighting couple. Fighting is just another form of communication. When you fight you two are simply hitting a personal boundary of your expectations. For example if you constantly fight because your husband doesn’t tell you when he is going to be late, you’re simply standing up to your expectation that you two will be conscientious and respect each other’s time.

Quick tip #2: As the client, you should never feel like you’re in the dark in your counseling experience. Your expert is essentially holding your flashlight and should give you feedback and talk through what’s going on in his or her head (when applicable). You should never walk out of multiple sessions thinking, “I wonder what she thinks?”

Quick tip #3: If a couple isn’t therapeutically available, any respectable practitioner will give the couple such feedback and pass on the case. A practitioner that is primarily in it for the money, will gobble up any stray that walks through their doors. Not good.

Okay Now For the Rest of You That Don’t Fall Into the Non-Therapeutic Category

If you’re looking for marriage counseling, before you invest your hard earned money, make sure that you’re both willing to invest in changing whatever isn’t working.

Counseling is hard work. Very rarely do we pause long enough in life to give a good look at what’s truly going on. It’s emotionally exhausting, sometimes excruciating painful.

The good news is that once the healing begins a page is turned your sessions should be lighter. Because learning how to be better and live happier is a ton of fun.

That’s why I love this job. Because I get to help couples take off the million pounds weighing them down, grab them by the hands, show them another way, and allow them to exit in a relationship with renewed passion, room for play, and having fun!

Okay, let’s get back to why you’re reading this article, and go over the reasons why marriage counseling costs so much.

Reason #1: The Experience of Marriage Counseling

According to cognitive neuroscientist Colin Ellard, your surroundings very much affect the way you feel and essentially how much you open up to others.

Have you ever walked into a hotel room and it felt wrong right from the start? The front desk person was creepy and unfriendly, the room was decorated in drab 1980s décor, and it felt like it was coated in a film of filth.

And the sleep you were after didn’t happen. Why? Well if you have to ask that question, then you have never tried to catch some sound ZZZs in a crappy hotel.

Now think about walking into a Hilton or The Grand in downtown Minneapolis (my personal favorite as it’s where I fell in love with my husband). You have a door person there to great you, a dog bowl full of treats to welcome your four legged friend, and a warm smile waiting behind the lavish counter to check in into your plush room. You feel comfortable, safe, and ready to welcome a sweet night of dreamy bliss.

In this scenario your goal of a good night’s sleep is as good as done.

Now let’s take this back to the topic at hand. Currently you want to find a marriage counselor to help save your marriage.

Let’s say you called on one, the person sounded fine, so you set up the appointment and went. On the day of the appointment you walk up to a dingy building in a shady neighborhood. You take a seat on hard chairs in a not so private waiting room.

You’re greeted by no one and expected to sit and hope that you’re in the right spot. When you’re welcomed into the room, you’re invited to sit down on what appears to be a repurposed college futon and divulge your marital woes. You don’t feel warm, safe, or even comfortable.

Change is super hard in the first place. Chip and Dan Heath, authors of the best selling book Switch describe how you get motivated for change the best. You need to have strong emotion involved to push past the uncomfortable parts of change.

Do you think you’ll be motivated to attend future sessions to work through your relationship problems? How about the fact that you’re paying good money and the so called expert can’t even afford to invest in better furniture? Where does all the money go? Certainly not back to the customer.

How are you expected to trust this expert to save your marriage when they don’t trust in their abilities enough to invest in their space?

Now imagine sending out an inquiry for marriage counseling and receiving a warm reply that same day. At the time of your appointment you pull up to a brightly lit, very professional building in a good neighborhood with a front and back entrance (for anonymity). Coming into the office you’re delighted to see a well decorated, warm space, with a beverage center waiting to quench the thirst that you didn’t know you had.

You make your favorite latte, flip through the latest magazines in a high class, private space as you wait for your expert.

After you’re warmly greeted, you take a seat on plush sofas and begin to share your story.

How do you think you’ll feel going back to receive relationship advice from this practice? Do you think you’ll question where your money goes? Obviously this relationship expert reinvests the profits back into the space to improve the clients’ experience. And trusted her abilities from the start.

Reason #2: Specialized Training isn’t Cheap

In order for a marriage counselor to be considered a relationship expert, they have to earn that title through expensive, I mean extensive couples training.

Training in any field is spendy, especially when the expert has to travel. Money goes out for the workshop, travel expenses, and the required materials. Not to mention the loss of wage while they are out of the office, paying for childcare, and the emotional cost of being away from their families (I know some of you reading this are like–that’s called a vacation). Regardless, it adds up quick.

How Necessary is the Training?

Would you send your daughter to an orthopedic surgeon for brain surgery? It’s extremely important! The basic training that mental health practitioners get in school is very limited. Just like a general family doctor. But once they get into the field they can decide if they want to remain broad or drill down and become really good at one area.

Why Wouldn’t a Practitioner Want to Specialize?

For many it’s scary to drain your pond of potential clients down to a few select drops. But for those that believe in their abilities for niche populations, they go all in and come out highly qualified on the other side.

Alan Davis a marriage and family therapist in Maple Grove Minnesota, specializes in hypnotic and mindfulness therapy. What a niche!? He once said, “That if you do good work, there will always be enough fish in the pond”. Practitioners have to start by believing in their quality of work and abilities.

Reason #3: Effective Experts Are Not GREEDY

When you look into the rates that some marriage counselors rake in, it doesn’t take long to calculate weekly earnings. But marriage counseling is not your typical 9-5 job. Therapy takes a toll on the expert.

The pain, emotions, and trauma stays with the clinician all week long. They can’t lock up the office and forget the suffering they sat through that day. The emotional burden that experts bare has to be managed by limited numbers or they risk burn out and decreased effectiveness.

Solid experts with insanely high success rates keep the size of their clientele small. Why? Because they need to remember why something triggered the wife in session 12 from a tidbit she shared in session two. If your expert is overloaded with clients, the stories get jumbled and details are lost in the sea of everyones suffering.

For example, if I had too many cases per week, I would forget the story a client told me about how her uncle once told her that bad boys drink hard liquor. This was after the tragic loss of her father at the hands of a drunk driver intoxicated by hard alcohol.

Subsequently, I could miss the fact that she gets triggered and pulls away from her husband every time he drinks a whiskey (which is on rare occasion). He then retreats from her judgements and runs the other way because it reminds him of never being good enough for his mother.

To her subconscious he’s the drunk driver that took away her father. He’s the bad boy. And to him, she’s the nagging mother that never believed in him.

Now this is a fictional story, but at the same time this is a good representation of what could slip through the cracks if the expert didn’t catch and retain stories.

The master expert is required to have enough mental capacity to remember the details. Because if such a situation presented itself in session as mentioned above, that would be a major healing for the couple when brought to light.

So effective marriage counselors don’t take on more than they can successfully manage. Why? Because it’s not about the money, it’s about successfully treating the couple. That’s what makes this job worthwhile–not the dollar signs.

Reason #4: Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Take As Long

When you combine specialized training with small client loads, it’s no wonder why highly skilled, non-overloaded marriage counselors equates to more efficient treatment.

The over all time spent in counseling dramatically decreases when you have a relationship expert that’s on top of their game and really focusing on your treatment.

Quick tip #4: Here’s how you know if you do have o ne of the best marriage counselors: Look to see what they do outside the counseling room. True experts can be seen on TV giving quotes to news anchors, holding workshops, giving seminars, writing for online publications, and maybe even have a book.

What’s Your Other Option?

Sure you can go with a low rate general practitioner that claims to have trained in marriage counseling. Only to find out they took one class in college that didn’t provide any insight into what it’s really like in the counseling room.

But going this route is a huge risk. You risk wasting time, finances, and your marriage. And it’s no different than booking that appointment with the orthopedic surgeon for your kid.

Divorce of course is an option. Which in most cases costs more than months and months of counseling not to mention the emotional pain involved in breaking up a marriage and family.

The final option is to stay miserable. You can do nothing and stay the same. Surprisingly many do choose this option. That’s why John Gottman says that it typically takes couples six years of bad to get them to come in for counseling. And for others, they marinate in it for life.

Take Home Message

Is it going to cost an arm and leg to get your marriage back on track? Probably. AND marriage counseling is an investment that when done right has a huge ROI.

Do your research and interview at least three experts. See who you have the best connection with, where you feel the most comfortable, and who has the highest success rate.

Now it’s your turn, did you learn something from this article? If the answer is yes, share it.

Stay tuned for the next blog post, How to Tell if You’re Getting the Best Marriage Counselor or One that’s Full of BS.

Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love. Do you have more questions about marriage counseling costs? Or are you looking for the best marriage counselors in Minnesota? Connect with Jessica on her website. Stay up to date on the latest science behind relationships by following her on twitter and subscribing to her YouTube Channel.

Marriage Counseling Costs Causes Major Sticker Shock. Here’s Why It’s So Expensive to get Relationship Advice.

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