Okay, with containable anger.
So you’ve decided to give your marriage another chance after the identity shattering affair bomb detonated without warning.
You’re not alone. According to a study, more than 75 percent of marriages do stay together after an affair is revealed.
But how in the hell do you two plan to do things differently this time around? Well you’re about to figure that out as you both embark on the journey through Phase II, of this three Phase infidelity recovery program.
Remember that the focus in Phase I was triage and damage control. Meaning that the goal was to minimize unnecessary pain caused from the blind fury of being traumatized.
In this next phase you’ll get an opportunity to share your perspective about how the marriage was before the affair.
Do you remember the skills that you learned in previous phase? Self-soothing and unyielding patience? Good because you’ll need them to get through the upcoming exercises.
READ: WHAT TO DO IN THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH OF AN AFFAIR
READ: AFTER THE AFFAIR: 3 SURPRISING RULES NOT TO BREAK
To the Betrayer,
You have been very patient and now it’s your turn to speak with your heart. I want you to share with your partner, what the relationship was like before you made the choice to step outside your marriage.
Be as raw and forth right as you can. This is your time to discuss what was missing so that your partner can answer honestly if he/she is willing to meet those needs going forward.
One thing to note before you get started is that this is a tricky place to be. Your partner is still hurt and very much pissed off and you’re extremely unsure of anything in your world right now.
You both need to approach this exercise with gentle truth and deliberate actions. No matter how hard the truth is to share, you must if you two truly want to build a better marriage.
The Truth Telling Conversation
First, the betrayer finally gets a chance to tell his/her side of the story, so that the unexplainable “why” can be revealed. And the betrayed will use those skills previous mentioned (belly breaths etc.) to keep calm and engaged. What you’re about to hear is very important for your healing, and for the future success of your new relationship with your partner.
Just remember that your partner has no reason to lie anymore. And since you two have decided to join back up and give this relationship another shot, you have to know what went wrong in order to make the proper changes to support the new and improved relationship.
What’s most important during this conversation is to not dismiss, minimize, or deny anything that your partner is telling you. This is his/her account of how things were before the affair and you can’t debate feelings.
Okay, so this is where I want the conversation to go. Let’s say that the betrayer admits that he felt abandoned with the kids came along or that you had no time to give her after your promotion. First, take some deep belly breaths and simply take in the soulful information. Whatever you do, don’t rattle off a bunch of reasons why your partner shouldn’t feel that way. Listen.
The more that you two can listen during this exercise the better chances you will have to hear what went wrong, figure out how to fix it, and have that amazing marriage number two.
After the betrayer is shared out, switch speaker and listener roles. Continue in the same fashion only the betrayed gets to share what it was like for him/her before the affair.
If your partner explains how he/she was not attracted to your weight gain or your poor choices that you made in terms of coping with life stressors, don’t interrupt or get defensive and pull away. Listen.
Get-A-Lil-Deeper And Share Your Unmet Needs
A famous psychotherapist William Glasser, believed in a theory that stated as humans we all have five basic needs, (1) freedom, (2) survival, (3) power, (4) fun, (5) love and belonging. Now even though we all have the same basic needs, each individual needs certain ones more than others. For example I need way more freedom than my husband, and he thrives on survival, where I don’t really fret about that too much.
Let’s say that you have a strong survival need and that you feel most secure with a healthy amount of money in savings. Yet your partner spends ungodly amounts of money expressing his/her need for freedom, you both will end up feeling betrayed. You feel betrayed because he/she took money out of the savings and if you nag your partner will feel betrayed because you’re not supporting his/her freedom need (don’t worry there is a great way to work out compromise once you both understand each others primary needs).
Basic Needs Exercise
Each partner take out a piece of paper. Draw two large circles (on the same side of the paper). The top circle is yours and the bottom represents what you believe to be your partner’s top needs. Fill in the circle like a pie chart with the most important basic needs taking up larger amounts of the pie. Remember the five basic needs are, freedom, survival, power, fun, and love and belonging.
After you have both divided up the pies, share and compare the results.
You might be surprised by what your partner’s greatest basic needs are. Talk about the misunderstandings and why you may have thought for example, survival was his/her number one need when in reality love and belonging was. Discuss what it was like to feel misunderstood. Maybe you had to be the “responsible” one, that had to of sucked, talk to your spouse about that experience.
This exercise provides couples with a ton of fresh insight and answers a lot of questions that you both have had for probably several years. Going forward in your relationship you both now have an assessment tool to make sure the bigger needs are met. If your partner isn’t happy you can reflect on how life is going and if their needs aren’t being met take the time to re-meet the need or encourage them to.
In the next article I’ll lay out another assessment tool that will keep you both on track to sustaining your better marriage and living your ideal lifestyle.
Be Patient
In this section I laid out how you two can have some massive heart to heart discussions. Please remember that if you feel yourself getting defensive when your partner is expressing what the marriage was like before the affair, use your self-soothing skills and don’t take everything so personal. You both had a role in the breakdown of your marriage and the more that you can accept that the faster you will heal.
Keep an eye out for the next part where we analyze your current lifestyle and see what changes have to be made in order to sustain the changes necessary to rebuild this better marriage.
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and How to Start a Mental Health Private Practice. She owns a practice in New Prague, Minnesota where she lives with her husband, two kids, and two pups. For more relationship advice follower her on Twitter. Don’t forget to check out her video series, Back 2 Love on her YouTube channel Super Living.