What ever happens to the cool kid in school?
A recent study discovers, not much. In fact, kids that peak during their teen years are more at risk to abuse alcohol and drugs, and are less competent to maintain social relationships entering adulthood.
Over time the cool kid’s identity gets so entangled with the persona, that she’s showing the world, that her behaviors need to get more and more extreme to stay relevant.
Surprising? Well, when you think about it, it’s not easy to fake or play a character for years. AND no one can connect with someone that’s not genuine. When you act like someone that you’re not longterm, you end up dwarfing the development of your sense of self.
What Can You Do To Help Your Teen?
Teach your teen the difference between persona (what you choose to show the world) and personal identity (who you truly are).
Any teen that relies too heavily on a character that earns them the title cool kid is at risk of stunting their sense of self growth. So as a parent you can help guide them through this murky water.
When Do Teens Develop A Healthy Sense of Self?
The conscious awareness of how others see you develops around 11 years of age. That’s when you see your teen reinvent his style, change music tastes, or even try alternative extra-curricular activities. What your teen is trying to do is see what fits with the world and who they really are.
Some teens without any guidance are at risk for over relying on a pseudo-self which ends the natural exploration process and can lead to troubling behaviors. When teens that are struggling come into our office more times than not they have reached the crossroad where persona and personal identity meet. Our work begins with helping them identify who they really are.
Some Key Questions To Ask Teens:
- If I didn’t know you, how would you describe who you are (no labels like son, daughter etc)?
- What makes you unique?
- What are the 5 things that you can’t live without?
- How do you see yourself compared to your peers?
- What do you like/dislike about your physical identity (body-image)?
- What do you like/dislike about your internal identity (personality)?
What you are doing is planting seeds for your teen to see that there are many options other than pretending to be someone that they are not. Because that would be tragic and very boring.
South Metro Counseling presents, Learning Where You Fit. Group therapy for teens starting February 25th, 2016.
Jessica is the author of Back 2 Love and How to Start a Mental Health Private Practice. She owns a practice in New Prague, Minnesota where she lives with her husband, two kids, and two pups.