We can agree that everyone messes up, and we can also agree that for a few times we can be very forgiving to others and even ourselves. What happens when you just keep making the same mistake over and over? You begin to harden to the idea of self compassion and as a result shame sets in, creating a breeding ground for more of the same.
In today’s blog I want to speak to those that feel like they keep screwing up and asking for forgivingness over and over. To those that feel they don’t deserve to be forgiven or given an second, third, or thirtieth chance.
Learned behaviors create patterns that tend to be very difficult to break. For example, let’s say you learned at a young age that anger outbursts resulted in getting what you wanted. What you wanted could have been, ‘keeping others at a distance’ or ‘getting to watch the TV show of your choosing.’ Regardless the reason or that it was a maladaptive behavior, it worked and therefore it stuck with you into adulthood.
Now that you’re in a relationship, this form of coping isn’t functioning as well as it did in the past. Suddenly, you are slapped with an anger management label and struggle to keep it together even over the tiniest irritations.
So what do you do when you have leaned too much on a way of coping? You need to learn new ways of function to create a different pattern.
A learned behavior is just that, learned. That means you can learn new behaviors to cope. It takes time, patience, and being proactive. If you know that coming home to a crazy household makes you instantly mad, then figure out a solution so that you come home at a different time or so your partner can help you ease into the transition. If traffic jams really trip your trigger and tend to set the tone for the rest of your morning, leave 30 minutes early and try a different route, maybe with some calm scenery.
What you should not do is keep shaming yourself for messing up. Shame is a heavy emotion to harbor and tends to make you slip up even more. Instead, continue to practice self compassion, admit when you made a mistake and relied on a maladaptive learned behavior, and try to see where a solution can be implemented in order to prevent similar mishaps or outbursts.
Let’s do it differently today, when you mess up, own it, recognize it, and then figure out a way to prevent it next time. Remember that cutting out an unhealthy behavior is never the answer, you need to replace it with a healthy one. Whether you tend to react angrily, eat through your sadness, or shop until you smile, implement these easy steps and start to see a difference today.
Thank you and Happy February!