A lot of parents seem to be struggling with the same thing; connecting with their teen. A few things come to mind when you think about connecting with your teen.
1. You feel you have tried but they don’t want to have anything to do with you.
2. You feel like the phone or (insert electronic device) are more important than spending time with you so why bother.
3. Lastly, you might feel like you have no clue where to even start.
The number one reason why teens end up on my couch is because they feel lonely or unimportant. They don’t feel like they’re a priority for their parents or that their parents care to spend time with them. I know nine times out of ten the parent has tried to include the teen on several occasions only to be turned down for iPod and music behind a closed door. I get it; however, I do want to say as a professional working with teens they need you to not allow this to happen. They want you to not permit them to be on the (insert electronic device) for hours on end and set limits for them. They want you to fight for their time.
Remember parents, just because they are getting bigger doesn’t mean they still don’t need you. They need you now more than ever. Their world is a very scary place and more and more they’re being taught to close up and not be vulnerable. This leads to unhealthy behaviors that serve as outlets for those feelings they have bottled up.
Encourage your child to be vulnerable with you and lead by example. If you felt sad today tell them why and what you did to make it better. Normalized feeling scared and unsure of yourself so that they understand they’re not alone.
Step one for all parents is to figure out what your child’s love language is. Read The 5 Love Languages, for Children, and then love them in a way they most feel it. Then set up a block of time each week to just hang out and invest in them. Be present, attune with your child, and focus on the here and now. Nothing is more important that making sure your teen knows that they’re the apples of your eye.
Give them attention and make sure you fight for their time. They want you to be curious about their worlds. They don’t want you to stop asking them even if they say it. A kid once told me that he often storms off after his parents asked 20 questions about where he was and what he did but once he is in the privacy of his room he would cry because it made him feel so loved.
We live in a crazy busy world and because of the pressure we are under we sometimes can take what our teen says too literal. For example if they say, “just leave me alone,” and then you do, this leads to bigger problems. Because what they want to say is, “I have no clue why I’m sad and I don’t have the words to explain it. So I’d rather be alone than have you keep asking me what’s wrong.” But what they really need is for you to not leave them alone and just say, “it’s okay if you can’t explain it, maybe your not suppose to be able to, I’m still going to sit with you for a while and just be here in this with you.”