The #1 reason why couples enter counseling is communication problems. During the initial intake with a couple I will ask what their goals are for counseling and they will respond 99% of the time, ‘better communication.’
So what’s the deal? How come couples are struggling to get their points across and opinions heard? Why is everyone feeling misunderstood? Because no one practices the simple art of feeling validation.
I call it an art because like many things it takes a while to become skilled at this practice. What exactly is feeling validation and how does it differ from ‘giving in’ or accepting bad behavior?
Feeling validation is letting your partner know that you’re sorry for making them feel _______. Or that you’re sorry they’re feeling _______ due to something that you did or do.
Feeling validation is not saying, you’re right, I’m wrong. It’s not saying I accept your behavior and its not condoning actions that you believe are inappropriate.
What you’re doing is simply validating your partner’s feelings. No matter how you feel about the situation they have every right to feel the way they’re feeling and you need to accept that.
For example, if my husband and I were at a party and I started telling the group a funny story about something he did. On the way home he confides in me that my story made him feel humiliated and less of a man. In my perception I was just telling a humorous story so I don’t get how he could take such offense to it.
I have two options:
A. I can see that his perception and feelings are very real to him and he’s feeling bad right now. Then I could validate those feelings and apologize (see example sentence below).
B. I could get defensive because that wasn’t my intent and how dare he even think I would do such a thing! Then I could proceed to tell him to man up and not be such a baby.
Obviously the correct response is A. However very few couples would pick this one. Why? Because it doesn’t come natural. What does come natural is responding to whatever emotions they’re provoking within us when they’re confronting us, which is usually defensiveness. When we feel we are being wrongly accused or attacked we defend and re position the blame back on our partner. This takes the light off us and we can continue denying any wrongdoing.
Does this method help the relationship? Heck no it turns into a reoccurring battle between partners trying to be heard and understood.
The moral of the story is, the next time you and your partner are talking about feelings try and listen to what they are saying (be as objective as you can and not get defensive) and then do a simple paraphrase (repeating back to them what you heard). This step ensures that the message was interpreted correctly. Lastly, validate what they are feeling.
For the above example,
“I am so sorry baby that I made you feel humiliated and less of a man! That had to have been awful and then to have to sit there and endure it for 10-minutes. That was not my intent. I am really sorry.”
Done. He felt heard and understood, end of discussion. No fight needed.
Next: Take Feeling Validation to the Next Level!