Clients often ask how they can prevent an affair. In fact I frequently ask myself the very same question. Studies show that nearly 75% of all marriages will be affected by infidelity. This staggering statistic demonstrates how few relationships will be immune from this act of betrayal. The most common response reported among by the offended, “I never thought this would happen tome.” It is time for couples to become more proactive in their relationship in attempts to combat what seems to be growing epidemic.
Before I begin I would like to state this is not a one-size fits all guide and should be read with an objective eye. There are cases where the wronged partner was simply with someone that may have had a personality disorder, some other mental health disorder, or did not share the same core values. What I am about to share, are a few tips I have picked up over the years working with clients and within my own marriage. I believe a few things can be set into place in attempt to safe guard your relationship and keep it affair free.
Never forget whom your partner fell in love with.
Personality Characteristics
Interests (autonomy)
Physical appearance
Make sure you love each other right.
Get comfortable with each other’s love languages
Make deposits in to the love bank frequently
Appreciate your partner
Never let anything come before your partner. This includes:
Children
Career
Aging parents
Friends
Going back to the first suggestion, one of my life’s Matos has been, never to forget whom husband fell in love with. When we met I was this sweet, carefree, little thing. (I was so perfect in fact, that I got him to marry me in less than 6weeks!) Fast forward 7 years, add a mortgage, careers, special needs children, pms, and things can get pretty ugly around our house; correction, I can get really ugly.
I remember one time I was ranting about this or that and I saw this horrified look come across my husband’s face. I stopped mid rampage to ask him what the hell was wrong; he then begged me to never make that angry face again. It was in that moment that I realized, in his eyes he was not seeing the girl he agreed to marry.
It is very important throughout life that we check in with ourselves to make sure life hasn’t sucked us too far in. No doubt I grasp the impracticality of remaining unscathed by life and stress; nevertheless, I have witnessed countless women completely lose themselves when they become for example, mothers. Now remember I am too a mother, what I mean is they forget their identity as a woman and just become a mom, and that to me is a travesty. We should never forget who we are or give up our individuality, even for the role of a lifetime. I strongly believe there is room for both.
Relationships are made up of two individuals living separate lives, having separate interests, coming together and building a combined life. I know the Bible verse states, and ‘then two became one,’ however I do not believe that is how it was intended. It is crucial not to lose yourself in the relationship. This is a very tricky thing beings when we are busy falling in love and all our bodies want is to be with that person that is giving us the most amazing high ever. Once the relationship jumps to the next level of commitment and the hormones level out, this is where it gets tricky and more often with women than men (oddly enough) we begin to lose our individuality.
I seem to see this occur with the female gender in that they can morph or become relationship chameleon. This means whatever their partners like they now like. If the partner loves to hunt, fish, and watch football (totally stereotyping) the female portion now loves to hunt, fish, and watch football. This is a major mistake. When the two of you were dating you had separate interests and that was, well interesting. Even if you were president of the local knitting club your male counterpart thought that was weird in a good way. Now with you only liking what he likes there is no separation, nothing new is entering the relationship, and he is not at-risk for losing you or wondering if someone else will try and pick you up with you are out yarn shopping because you are always under his nose. Well you might be thinking that is a good thing but I will tell you why it is not.
It is important not to forget we are competitive by nature and we find challenges fun. We also try harder when we feel there is a chance someone might try and steal our partner. Having a life so to speak keeps our partners on their toes and maintains a healthy balance of togetherness and separateness. It also makes us happier in life. Studies shows when we have a hobby that we are passionate about we make better partners, parents, and employees.
That leads me to the last point. I am speaking about the transition from womanhood to motherhood. Some make this transition look so easy while others think they are welcoming this new role with open arms when in fact they are signing off any part of them that says I am still a woman. I don’t know about you but I don’t think I could be attracted to my husband if the only role he played was daddy role. I see a clear separation with him. There are times when he is a father to our children and then there are times he is the sexy man I married. The same is imperative for women to hear. Men do not want to have a hot night in the bedroom with a ‘mom’ they want to see you do the mother thing and then see you be the sexy woman they married.
Men are visual creatures, how many times have we heard that growing up? Well men also fantasize or as my husband puts it he flickers, which means I could be doing a mundane household activity but the way in which I perform my duty he can turn it into something sexual in his mind even for a few seconds. Now he is more inclined to flicker about me, his hot wife, if a separation exists between being a mom to our children and a wife to him. It is when those roles become to blended to decipher a difference that it gets tricky for men to imagine you in a more primal fashion.
Speaking of flickering, I want to touch on physical appearance. I used to believe anyone that focused on physical appearance more than the hearty soul was a superficial loser. However now that I have a better understanding of physical appearance and how it affects a relationship I have changed my stance on this. I now agree that it is important to take care of yourself as you age and as you go through different life stages. Not only for your health but also to be a better parent, more productive employee, and partner.
For the majority of us we were attracted to our partner by what we saw. Why does that change after we enter the next stages in a relationship? It doesn’t especially for men. They appreciate a good body, a pretty face, and a fertile appearance. Same goes for me, I appreciate my husband’s six-pack, hard dearer, and bumpy biceps (I lucked out he is a personal trainer). If my husband woke up one day and decided not to workout ever again yet continue to eat over 5000 calories a day, a lot of what I am attracted to physically on him would change. This would not make me want to leave him or anything but it certainly would certainly reduce my interest in him sexually. That is why I feel maintaining a healthy lifestyle and caring about your appearance is important in any relationship.
Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? (http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378392097&sr=8-1&keywords=5+love+languages)If you have not I highly recommend reading the book, it will change your perspective on love. It is said that there are five love languages; Affirmations, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Physical touch.
My husband and I were married for three years when I was first introduced to the five languages. Prior to this introduction I used to give my husband a ton of compliments, give him ‘that a boys,’ and provide ample about of physical touch (sexual and innocent). My husband would make my life easier by doing odd little jobs into the night. This is a prime example of how we used to work. After the kids went down for the night I would run to the couch looking all adorable waiting for my husband to come love up on me. I wanted him to hold me, touch me, and tell me what an amazing wife I was. At the same time he would kick it into high gear and start cleaning the house, folding laundry, and doing the dishes. Each night I would go to bed in ‘a mood’ and he would have a puzzled, ‘what did I do wrong’ look on his face.
Enter the five love languages. After my mother recommended this book I read it cover to cover in one day. I was blown away by how spot on it was without relationship. My top love languages were physical touch and affirmations, and my husband’s was acts of service. What you will also learn in the book is that we speak the love languages we want to receive. So you can see my husband was loving me by making the next day easier by doing all the housework for me instead of sitting down and channel flipping. I was trying to love him by telling him how handsome he was and touching him all the time.
We were trying so hard to convey our love but we did not know each other’s language. It is like I was speaking Chinese and he was speaking Spanish. Once we determined our languages our marriage has been on a whole new level. Instead of thinking we just don’t get each other, we love each other right. I now start his car every winter morning and make all his meals for the day (remember he is a trainer that is 5 meals a day!). He in return doesn’t clean until bedtime he sits next to me caresses my arm or sends me nice texts through out the day reminding me how great he thinks I am.
Willard Harley Jr., developed a concept called the love bank in his book His Needs Her Needs (http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-BuildingAffairProof/dp/0800719387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378392375&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs+her+needs). He described the importance of keeping the account out of the red by making deposits rather than withdrawals. Depending on your top five needs the deposits can range in size. If you value family time more than anything and your partner plans a family vacation that will be a huge deposit in your love bank. If you loathe lying and your partner stretched the truth regarding where he was after the football game that will be a substantial withdrawal. Learning what each other’s top five needs are and then making regular deposits into the love bank is another great way to keep infidelity at bay.
Have you ever taken your partner for granted? I have but I make it a practice every single day to remember to appreciate my partner and to make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. Sometimes life gets so overly scheduled that we put the most important person on the back burner. For example, many men say the reason they cheat was to feel appreciated. Men need this acknowledgement like a flower needs the sun. Men need to feel validated for all their hard work, dedication to the family, and performance. The same can be said with women. We need to hear that you appreciate that the fridge is always fully stocked with your favorite beverages or that we make sure your favorite lavender soap never runs out. Appreciate your partners, because if we don’t and someone else does that might be enough to cause them to stray.
The final suggestion is to always have your partner at the top of your priority list. This includes being higher than your children (harsh right?), your career, even your aging parents. Many of you may be thinking I am nuts to say your partner is more important that your children but I promise you skeptics the best gift you can ever give your kids is a great relationship with your partner. Kids need to see how much you value and appreciate each other. This demonstration provides much security. Your career is just that your career. I know it is cliché but it is so true, you will never wish that you spent more time working on your deathbed. Nothing should come before your partner and it is important that you partner knows this.
Well there you have it. My top suggestions for affair proofing your relationship. It really comes down to the simple things. Don’t stop taking the temperature of your relationship. If you feel you’re getting cold and growing more distant, book a hotel room and go heat it backs up now! Don’t wait until it gets so far gone that that becomes your state of being. The way that time flies by so insanely fast you don’t want to let a cold marriage fend for itself because you will blink and it will be so frost bit something tragic happens or worse yet the relationship dies.