Next week my husband and I will be celebrating our seventh wedding anniversary. When I actually think about it, seven years…it truly does feel like just yesterday when he stopped me on campus and asked me out on our first date. Six weeks later a day trip to Vegas to marry, a move across country a month after that, two kids, two homes, four dogs, and two new careers have all manifested in that time. Yet I still feel as if he is my boyfriend rather than my husband. Isn’t that bizarre? I honestly get butterflies when he pulls in the driveway after a long day, I get teary eyed on Mondays when I know the hustle and bustle of the week is beginning, I get excited each and every night we get the kids to bed and it is just us. Every now and again I will accidently call him my boyfriend and he admits to feeling the same way. So that begs the question, how comfortable should couples get with each other? Does more comfort equal a better marriage or does it smother the desire?
I believe my husband and I have the perfect mix of vulnerability and boundaries. We share our feelings, dreams, and fears but we do so in a way that doesn’t give out too much information. I think as a society have confused romance and intimacy. We think we need to share every little detail with our partners (intimacy) but that just washes away any element of surprise (romance). Where has the mystery gone if you give him step my step updates of your every move? Let him be curious about you and let there be enough space form him to long for you.
In our marriage we value autonomy. My husband has his passions and I have mine. We don’t do everything with each other but we do let the other have full access into our individual lives. Granted my passions are not near as exciting as some, I love to read and learn, go have drinks with the girls, and go on walks. Ryan (my hubby) loves to lift weights, work on his car, and do nothing. We respect each other’s time and never get in the way of the other doing what makes them happiest. In the same sense neither one of us takes advantage of this consideration.
We always have each other’s backs. I watch out for him and do things to make his life easier (much like people do when they are courting), and he does the same for me. We send each other texts reminding the other we are thinking of them. We leave notes on the windshield of the cars, on each other’s computer screens, and in the shower. We are each other’s number one fan. I support him in all he does, wants, and desires and he does the same with me.
All the things I have listed are things present in the beginning stages of a relationship. They are why we choose to be monogamous and create a life with someone. What I have found to happen is that the life you create with your partner can often times get in the way of the relationship itself. Or the expectations placed on the bond can weigh it down so that it feels less like an escape and more like a duty.
Tonight, I ask you to a reevaluate how you carry yourself in your marriage. Do you share too much; do you fill quality airtime with meaningless jabber? Do your needs come across demanding or nagging? Ask yourself, when was the last time I went out of my to pick up my partner’s favorite treat? Take some time to recall what it was like when you were first dating. What activities did you do? How did you demonstrate your interest in him as a man and how did he show you he was interested in you as a woman? Do you still find your partner sexy? Does he find you sexy? Do you enjoy sex? Do you need to spice it up a bit? These are all questions you can ponder after you do the evening dishes or better yet a conversation you can have together.
What can you do to create some separation in order for desire and passion to breathe again? Is it shutting the bathroom door when you’re using it? Is it not sleeping in the same flannel pajamas you got 10 years ago from your mom? Is it laying off the evening snacks and going for a walk to slim down a bit, in order for you to feel sexy again and have more energy for the fun stuff?
Back to the original question, can couples get too comfortable? I believe most definitely. I think we all want our partners to be our best friend, our lover, our confidant, and our knight in shinning armor. These are impossible roles to be all at once. We need to reach out and have friends to gossip with and socialize amongst. We can’t expect our partner to fulfill all of these roles; if we plan on maintaining that initial desire and passion, that brought us together in the first place.
You may be asking yourself; well what am I suppose to do if we are too comfortable? I would assess your life. Do you have a hobby or a passion separate from your spouse? Even knitting can be hot as long as it creates some space in the union. Are there times in the day you can call a friend to discuss mundane details rather than your partner? What about your sex life? Is it all that you wanted and hoped for? What can you do to help it get where you need it to be? These are just some of the things I would encourage you to start thinking about.
Comfort is one of the greatest perks of being monogamous, but there comes a point where too much comfort might be hindering the relationship. I love the fact that I still see my husband of seven years as a boyfriend. It keeps me trying, it keeps me interested, and it keeps me in a marriage that is full of passion, desire, and fun!